Another Day, Another Blog*

Do you ever feel frustrated? Well I have been a bit frustrated with things that are in my life, yet out of my control. Sometimes certain circumstances happen, and you can't do anything about them except maybe pray. I seem to always flunk the test of my emotions when bad circumstances happen and I can't seem to shake it off.

Yesterday I felt I better do some active physical work or I am going to explode. I didn't know anyone who would want to pick up my pieces if I exploded, so I thought I better act fast. I went outside just to water my plants, but then I decided to rake the leaves in my front yard. Hey, I could have thought that I don't have to do this because it's not my house; I just rent a room and my room mate usually hires someone to do her yard work, so he could do it. Yet I didn't do this for my roomie; I did this for me and a feeling that God wanted me to do it.

I joyfully grabbed a rake and made some piles of leaves. Yes, It had to be God in on it, because me picking up a rake is not usually a joyful thing. Wow, I began to realize that I hadn't raked leaves since my family was in the Air Force in 1988. After my family left Texas, I mostly lived in Apartments from then on, except for my last roomie; and she hired a gardener also.

Anyway, I found it very therapeutic to rake up the leaves and reorganize my many potted plants. As I raked, I felt the tension ease off of my shoulders and seem to have fallen onto the big piles of multicolored leaves. My neighbor across the street was joking with me and said that Hell must have frozen over because I was working in the yard. I told him that IT DID. LOL -I can smile about it.

I knew that this little project I was working on wouldn't make anybody happy except for myself and that is all that mattered. As I moved the leaves, I began to see new green grass. That little carpet of grass made me smile and I guess the dogs forgot there was grass, because when they saw it, they began to enjoy it. I am glad that God was the creator of things. Because just moving the leaves to the side had uncovered the beautiful, fresh baby grass that was underneath. Just a hint of grass made me think about how God is always there. Even in the things that we don't understand, he is always there. When life throws punches, he is always there. When people are hurtful or circumstances aren't so great, he is always there.

I knew that the energy and strength it took for my weakened muscles would knock me for a loop and increase my fibro symptoms, if I did the raking, but I didn't care because it was a chance to feel God's love at work. Who would have known that raking leaves would make me feel more loved by God?


Then today I noticed I was feeling frustrated again. I thought, "I have got to get this out of my system." Yesterday's physical labor was therapeutic for me, and today I need it again. I decided to take a long walk.

As I walked to the freeway and back,I remembered the days when I was a wee little one, much smaller than I am now. There was nothing to be concerned about. It was an adventure in those days. I didn't have a care in the world, I just ate, slept, went to school, and played and played and played. Life was good, well as good as I thought it could be. I even thought that the abuse I experienced was how it was supposed to be, so everything was as good as I thought it could be. I didn't know any different.

I didn't have to worry or be concerned about paying bills, having a place to live, deciding who to vote for during campaigns, didn't have to think about jobs or illnesses or health care. I lived my life in a carefree way and my little life was dependent on my parents, their love, their care for my food, clothes, and shelter. They dressed me they way they wanted, I ate what they wanted, I lived where they lived, I went where they went.

God knows me; he seems to help me through many things that don't seem quite fair or that do not make sense. Like being in "too much pain" to not be accepted into the Chronic Pain Clinic, or being the hardest patient to many doctors because of the many chronic and silent illnesses I have, or being denied "low income housing" because of not making enough money. I don't understand all the crazy or disappointing things in my life, yet I know God does and he allows us to go through them. I almost always learn something from the circumstances in my life, yet I do not always like it, that's for sure and I do not learn fast.

I used to take many things for granted. Like just waking up and moving forward through out the day or walking in a straight line (I hope I never have to do the drunk driving test. First of all I don't drink, and 2nd I can't walk in a straight line. how do you spell vertigo? lol, oh yah, being with out a car needs to be presented too). Then there's that thing called thinking clearly. I took for granted the knowledge I could retain before I was knocked in the head 15 yrs ago. Getting up and feeling well enough to walk and get ready for church, is another. I never thought in all my years, that I would be in a position where pain was too great to get up. I took all those minor childhood to 20- somethings pains for granted, if that's possible.

Before I was ill many years ago, I didn't think about how I would get anywhere, I just went. I didn't think about the consequences of eating certain food, I ate everything (yes, even ask my family. I ate everything except seafood. I was the "Mikey of the house.") Things are different, the world spins faster, and time is challenging. Circumstances come, Circumstances go, and you learn from them. May God help us all.