My Usual Doctor's Appointments*

Sometimes it just feels good for me to write things out; it is very therapeutic. So here it goes:

The questions you may be tired of answering at the doctor's office and how sometimes you may want to reply but don't because you are too polite.

My sarcastic appointments:


Name? on chart
Medical #? on chart
Age? I am a month older than the last time you asked.
Weight? 110 lbs. (give or take on a lot of factors)
Sex? None of your business (lol) Female/Male? If you can't tell that I am female, you really are the one who needs the doctor
Pulse? yes
Height? Still 5ft (haven't changed since the last time you asked)

Procedures? Read attached medical file
Surgeries? Minor surgery, had 4 teeth pulled out at once
When did you have your last period? Excuse me, that is my business.
Are you Sexually Active? No
Are you pregnant? No, I just said I am not sexually active
Are you sure you are not pregnant? Yes
How sure are you that you are not pregnant? I am a 100% sure
Hmmm? You are kidding me, right?

Are you on any Medications? Yes, remember all the ones you prescribed. Actually, please read attached list
Why are you here? Because I am in excruciating pain everywhere.
Are you in any Pain? Yes, Everywhere
Where abouts is your pain? I just said, it's everywhere
Would you say your pain is all over your body? yes
On a scale of one to ten, how bad is your pain? It's a 10.
Where is this pain that is at a 10? everywhere.
What does your pain feel like? It's excruciating.
So would you say your pain is discomforting? No, I said it is excruciating.
So would you say it is throbbing, sharp, or dull? Who cares; it hurts!
Any sudden bowel changes? None ya business. Do I talk to you about your bowel movements?
Any other medical conditions? Yes, read attached medical resume.
Do you see any other specialists? Yes, the ones the doctor referred me to. Hello are you losing your mind? Please read attached medical resume.
When did you have your last blood work done? The info is in the chart you are holding.

Then the doctor comes in and asks:
"What can I do for you today?"

uggghh